It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
