After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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