she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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