If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have fence marks all over my body
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
