yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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