the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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