We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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