we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
