break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
