I cannot find my penis.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize