I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
