I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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