when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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