there's paper in my vomit.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
