pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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