Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
