You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
