I look better un-naked...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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