Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't deserve a penis
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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