2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
