im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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