now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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