Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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