I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
