ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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