He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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