Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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