just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
