I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
