I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
