I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
there's paper in my vomit.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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