You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Two words: blizzard sex
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
