the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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