Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
