If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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