Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize