Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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