I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
