i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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