she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
