just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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