I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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