i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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