Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
