Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
