I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
