Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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