the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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