He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
