is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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