That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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