Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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