is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I will be naked everywhere
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize