there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
