mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
