After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
